Lots of stuff rattling around in my head; memories I want to record, thoughts of the future, things to do ( Read more... )

I've pushed it to the back of my mind all day, but today marks the 5th anniversary of Abby's funeral.  I actually think this day was only a tiny bit less painful and traumatic than the actual day of Abby's death.  Today made it all real, and final.  After today, I would never see Abby's face on earth again.  After today, Life would continue whether ( Read more... )

I worked today and I had to go down to the nurse's station a few times today, walking past the LDRP where Abby spent most of her life, and the room where I waited while they worked on her.  Then tonight, I had to recert my CPR.  It isn't as bad as doing NRP, but doing CPR on a baby doll, especially right now.....is kind of awful.

When I wake up in ( Read more... )

I was in Winnipeg for the Pathways/UCN orientation one year ago today.

It's been about 13 months since I finished the academic requirements for my midwifery education program, and since I was accepted into the UCN/Pathways pilot project.

Even more depressing is that it's been a year and eight months since I last caught a baby or did any clinical ( Read more... )

It's been 18 months since I've done a prenatal or attended a birth.

18 months!   o-O

No wonder I feel so removed from midwifery work right now.  I need to do some clinical work, and palpating my friends' pregnant bellies, offering breastfeeding advice, and finding fetal heart tones with my fetoscope for my friend-mamas to hear....just isn't cutting ( Read more... )

11 months until the CMRE next Spring.  I see my tickers everytime I log on and I'm getting impatient...and scared too!

It's now almost a week past "mid-June" (when we were told we would hear more about our assessments) and I'm desperately hoping that I will hear something from Pathways next week.   It was one year ago on June 19th that I got the bad ( Read more... )

I miss my husband, and I'm still pissed and hurt that I was left behind.  And I hope they're having a good time.   So conflicted, I am.

Kim's last drama performance tonight, and last one ever with all of the current grade 12 drama kids.  Food and festivities after the performance tonight but she'd better get her butt home soon, she has to work at 5: ( Read more... )

I've got caught up in reading and tagging old entries and I just read this one.

November 5, 2005
"Now, I'm exactly 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our last baby [or so I thought...]. I find myself getting so excited about this baby that my heart literally skips a beat and leaves me breathless. Then I worry that I am still in such a delicate stage so ( Read more... )

I feel kind of ....flat.  Minimal effort for supper tonight - grilled cheese for the girls and a slush for me.  The thought of eating makes me nauseous, and my throat is still sore and raw from throwing up so much last night.  I've called a peace treaty for homework wars tonight - I just can't face it.  The only responsibilities I have left tonight ( Read more... )

My three living children have my time and attention for 363 days a year.  I don't think it's unreasonable to take two days a year to remember Abby.  Two days is not wallowing in my grief.  It's not unnatural or unhealthy to give in to my grief.

I wish I could totally remove myself from my life and spend these next two days exactly the way I want ( Read more... )